Masking Emotions with Positivity: Understanding the Detrimental Effects of Toxic Positivity
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic Positivity refers to excessive and forced optimism in difficult or negative situations. It involves ignoring, invalidating, or minimizing negative emotions or experiences and promoting the idea that one should always think and feel positive.
Examples of Toxic Positivity
You will often hear phrases like "Just look on the bright side," "Don't dwell on the negative," or "Think positive thoughts.
Telling someone to "just be happy" or "just get over it" when experiencing a complex emotion or situation can also be examples of Toxic Positivity.
Other examples include:
Minimizing or invalidating someone's feelings by saying things like "It's not that bad" or "It could be worse."
Encouraging someone to suppress or ignore their negative emotions rather than processing and working through them is also an example of toxic Positivity.
Signs of Toxic Positivity in Yourself
The “Live, Laugh, Sing & Be Happy” army needs to be checked. Toxic Positivity is emotional toxicity in relationships with others and here are some red flags:
You're constantly trying to make everyone around you feel great about themselves, even when it may not be appropriate.
You're always telling people how special they are, how important they are, and how great your life is together--even when there's no evidence for this kind of behavior (or even if there is).
When someone shares something hard about their lives, you try to help them feel better immediately.
You must always be on "high alert" for any sign that someone might not like you or want to hurt you (even though they never do!).
You try to get others to “see the positive” side of things in their situation.
Harmful effects of Toxic Positivity
Forced positivity is not healthy for anyone. Here are some harmful effects of Toxic Positivity (1):
Denial: When you are forced to focus on the positive and deny the negative emotions, you may fail to confront the issues you need to resolve.
Minimization: It comes with invalidating someone else’s experience and emotions, discouraging someone from opening up, and failing to address underlying issues.
Suppressed emotions: Since one is forced or encouraged to focus on positivity instead of resolving issues, emotions are not dealt with and verbalized, which leads to a lack of emotional processing and can create sickness and other issues one will have to deal with.
Shame: With the pressure to become positive, they may shame others or themselves for experiencing negative emotions or thoughts, which can impact self-esteem or self-worth.
How do you avoid the trap of Toxic Positivity?
Toxic Positivity is a trap that some can fall into. It often happens when we watch or listen to someone who truly believes in something but seems unwilling to question their own beliefs. Unfortunately, this can lead to the opposite effect that they are trying to have. Instead of coming up with solutions for very REAL problems that our society faces, someone focuses on the idea that everything works perfectly for us and everyone around us. This is a type of gaslighting and is not helpful.
Here are some tips for how you can avoid the trap:
Make sure you're carving out some me-time each day, even if it's just for half an hour. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling. Don’t let someone try to push it away.
Remind yourself that it’s not you; the other person is uncomfortable with feelings or strong emotions and doesn’t know how to address them realistically. If someone does this to you, you can let them know your emotions are perfectly normal and healthy given the situation and that once you process your anger, grief, sadness, etc., you will be in a better place. Being with our emotions is the only way; the only way out is through.
Be careful with who you share your feelings and thoughts with. If you know a family member or friend isn’t the most supportive or understanding of what you are going through, don’t share anything with them. Take breaks from friends or family like this, and maybe reconsider them if they constantly try to dismiss how you feel.
It's easy to fall into the trap of Toxic Positivity--the belief that all things are good, or at least very good. Do you find yourself saying things like, "I'm so happy! I love my job," when you hate it? Or maybe you're going to a party where everyone is expected to be positive and happy to feel good about themselves, but deep inside, your world has just turned upside-down.
Is Toxic Positivity a trauma response?
Yes. It can be a trauma response. But not always. It can be a coping mechanism for those who experienced trauma as they try to protect themselves from the pain associated with it. It can be a cultural response, though, where society expects one to stay positive, which leads to nullifying or even dismissing one's feelings or experiences.
Trauma is a psychological injury that a traumatic event can cause. It's usually defined as an overwhelming experience that causes distress and confusion, leaving you feeling unsafe in your body.
Toxic Positivity can also be a reaction from people who have been through trauma or abuse and are still experiencing these feelings of some of those listed above (denial, minimization, etc.). They feel they can't talk about whatever happened or “complain” because they're being "toxic" or "negative." These messages are very real, and our society has a problem with Toxic positivity in general. Many feel they must be “happy” and smile, even when struggling. As a culture, Americans have been sold the message that we must always be optimistic--even when things aren't going well for us. We are raised to be phobic of emotions and inauthentic with our presentation. This is why many people, especially from Black and Brown communities, find it exhausting to be in the presence of others who always uphold this unrealistic belief in being positive. A whole culture is formed around code-switching, which is for another article, and ties directly into this culture of Toxic Positivity. Life is messy! We’re meant to experience the whole range of our emotions. Don’t let someone else tell you anything any differently. Of course, if you are experiencing chronic feelings of emptiness or sadness, getting help is a good idea, too. And we’re here for it. We’re here for it all. Just be careful with whom you share your true self with.
Remember, it's okay not to be okay. Emotions are complex, and feeling negative emotions is a normal part of the human experience. Suppressing those emotions or pretending they don't exist only leads to more harm in the long run. Instead, it's essential to acknowledge and validate our own and others' feelings, offer support without judgment or pressure, and always be positive. So let's aim for authentic Positivity instead of Toxic Positivity, where we embrace human emotions and support each other through good and bad times.
References:
Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes. [online] thepsychologygroup.com. Available at: https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/ [Accessed 1 Jan. 1970].