Coming Out Is A Profoundly Personal Decision
Accepting ourselves and our bodies is essential to our mental health journey. Wouldn’t it be great if we didn't hide our identities or wait until we’re “old enough” to share who we are and what we want from life? It's unfair that society expects many of us to hide who we are because of others’ fear and hatred. We all know blatant and hidden homophobia and transphobia are gripping our nation and world.
So how are we supposed to come out when we are not even sure it’s safe to do so? No matter your circumstances, there are many ways to be true to yourself!
Here are some ideas on how to start walking toward your true self and find self-liberation:
Find others who are living their beautiful lives proudly and openly. Even if there is no one in your immediate family or local community, we live in a vast and expansive world, and there are many ways to connect with other LGBTQIA2S+ people and communities.
If you think your family will stand with you and support your decision, consider telling them before telling anyone else so they can support you as you come out in the world.
If you have friends you trust who will stand with you, talk to them about it! It can be so scary to tell the first person, but once you do, it does get easier each time.
If you have co-workers who seem open-minded and would be good support, start there!
Why is Coming Out so Difficult?
We’re with you! It can be so hard and so scary to come out as an LGBTQIA2S+ person because of the stigma surrounding it and because there is so much misinformation about what it means to be part of the community.
It can be very scary and is a profoundly personal decision all of us who are queer must decide for ourselves when and how to do it. Let's discuss why coming out as an LGBTQIA2S+ person is so difficult.
For starters, there is so much misinformation and an overwhelming assumption that we must have had a negative experience with heterosexuality or that we have experienced some trauma that caused us to make this “decision” and that we are “choosing” this to leave that trauma behind. This can lead people to view our identity as damaging or even dangerous, especially if those in our circles haven't had a chance to learn more about our community.
There's the social aspect: coming out as an LGBTQIA2S+ person means telling people who you are and what your sexual orientation, gender expression, and preferred pronouns are, which can be scary for us! This is especially true if we come from religious families and communities that are homophobic/transphobic, and we know we won’t be accepted. Nothing is more painful than being rejected by our families due to something as simple as sexuality and gender expression. For others, who may have a supportive family and community, it can still be a hard choice as it means having to deal with prejudices and assumptions from others in society about how we live our lives. This is especially hard when our friends or coworkers don't support who we are.
And then there's mental health: many of us who identify with the LGBTQIA2S+ community experience depression or anxiety because of our identities—and it can be even harder to come out when you're feeling down or depressed about something else in life.
We think it's hard because we must be strong enough to tell people we’re queer and hope those in our circle will support and believe us. It can be hard to make people believe we’re telling the truth, especially when they have known us for a long time. You might have been friends with someone for years, but one day after coming out to them, they don't want anything to do with you anymore. And even if they continue being your friend, it doesn’t feel good when they question us. Too many of us have been doubted and treated like “it’s just a phase” when we know it’s not. For these reasons and more, it's essential to reach out for support from others who are part of the LGBTQIA2S+ community and friends and family who we can rely on for support when we need it most.
Another reason it's challenging and scary to come out as an LGBTQIA2S+ person is because of the hatred and vitriol targeting and attacking us in too many of these Divided States. We know Trans people have a higher rate of mortality rate when compared to cis men and women (1).
According to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey (2):
“Nearly half (46%) of respondents were verbally harassed in the past year because of being transgender.
Nearly one in ten (9%) respondents were physically attacked in the past year because of being transgender.
Nearly half (47%) of respondents were sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime, and one in ten (10%) were sexually assaulted in the past year.
In communities of color, these numbers are higher: 53% of Black respondents were sexually assaulted in their lifetime, and 13% were sexually assaulted in the last year.
72% of respondents who have done sex work, 65% of respondents who have experienced homelessness, and 61% of respondents with disabilities reported being sexually assaulted in their lifetime.
More than half (54%) experienced some form of intimate partner violence, including acts involving coercive control and physical harm.”
And we know LGB people are also targeted. The UCLA School of Williams Institute states, “ LGBT people are nine times more likely than non-LGBT people to be victims of violent hate crimes” (3).
As grim as this is, according to the Human Rights Campaign, “Approximately eight in ten Americans (79%) favor laws that would protect LGBTQ+ people against discrimination in jobs, public accommodations, and housing. This reflects an 11% increase in the proportion of Americans who support nondiscrimination protections since 2015 (71%)” (4)
This is hopeful and means that even if someone does not accept your identity as queer or transgender right away, they may come around over time. It doesn’t mean you should hide who you are due to the fear of rejection. You deserve to be you, and if your family and friends are worth being connected to, they will take note and accept who you are. If they do not, it’s time to start the hard work of grieving them so you can live your best life. So take heart and get yourself ready to come out!
How Do I Prepare To Come Out As LGBTQIA2S+ Person?
Coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual, or two-spirit (LGBTQIA2S+) can be a challenging and emotional experience. Here are some things to consider that might help you feel more prepared:
Understand your feelings: It's essential to take the time to understand and accept your own feelings about your sexual orientation or gender expression and identity. This can involve exploring your thoughts and emotions through journaling, talking to trusted friends or family members, or seeking support from an LGBTQIA2S+ affirming therapist.
Build a support system: Surround yourself with people who will accept and support you. This can include friends, family members, or members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community. A support system can help you feel more confident and secure when you come out.
Educate yourself: Learn about the experiences of other LGBTQIA2S+ individuals and the issues that affect the community. This can help you understand the potential reactions you may face when you come out and help you prepare for any challenges. Learn about your incredible LGBTQIA2S+ his, her, and theirstory! If nothing else, this will inspire you and make you realize you are now part of a super badass community!
Be prepared for various reactions: It’s not all rainbows and unicorns... Coming out can elicit various responses, including acceptance, love, support, rejection, confusion, or adverse reactions. This is normal. It's essential to be prepared for feelings and have a plan for handling complex responses.
Take your time: Coming out is a process, not an event. It's important to move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. And remember, you have the right to keep your sexual orientation or gender identity private if you choose to.
Seek professional help: If you're struggling with your feelings or have concerns about how to come out, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor familiar with LGBTQIA2S+ issues. They can provide support and guidance as you navigate this process.
Remember, it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being and safety when coming out. Take the time to plan and prepare, and surround yourself with people who will support and accept you.
If you are still determining whether to come out or unsure of how to come out, we want to help! We understand the importance of coming out and supporting the LGBTQIA2S+ community. That's why we've curated an entire team of members of the community or strong allies!
We’re here for you! Please know you don’t have to do this work alone. We have providers on the team who have been there, and done that kind of thing. We get it! And we are happy to help you navigate the challenges of finding and stepping into your true self when you are ready.
Resources:
Mortality Rate Much Higher for Transgender People. https://www.hcplive.com/view/mortality-rate-higher-transgender-people
Violence Against Trans and Non-Binary People. https://vawnet.org/sc/serving-trans-and-non-binary-survivors-domestic-and-sexual-violence/violence-against-trans-and
LGBT people nine times more likely than non-LGBT people to be victims of violent hate crimes. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/lgbt-hate-crimes-press-release/
New Data Shows Support for LGBTQ+ Rights Continues to Tick Upward, In Contrast to Onslaught of Anti-LGBTQ+ Legislation in States Across Country. https://www.hrc.org/press-releases/icymi-new-data-shows-support-for-lgbtq-rights-continues-to-tick-upward-in-contrast-to-onslaught-of-anti-lgbtq-legislation-in-states-across-country